In Honor of a Wonderful Man

The 18th of November marks the 63rd birthday of my wonderful step-father. Away on retreat I missed the opportunity to wish him a happy birthday.

As the YAGM Malaysia group spent Thanksgiving in West Malaysia we were asked to think about what we are thankful for.   I have been so blessed to come from such a supportive family and community.

My step-father plays such a large role in this. The sky is the limits in his eyes and he always told me I could do anything I put my mind to.  Most days I hear his voice in the back of my mind.  For example:

"You think you know hot, but you don't...you will learn"-My time in Malaysia has proved that he was right.  I have never sweated so much in my life.

"Make sure you eat and drink whenever you can, you never know when you will be able to again"-- yesterday I sat on a bus for almost an hour, when the trip usually takes 20 minutes.  I was so thirsty in the Sabah afternoon heat that it was unbearable.  Before getting on the wonderful public transportation, I remember walking past what seemed like a million kedai's (shops) and thinking that I would just wait until I got back to my friends apartment to get a drink.  Lesson learned.

"You don't know spicy"--yup! you were right!

Thanks for always sharing wisdom, even when it seems to be a bit premature. :) Much love and a happy belated birthday to a fantastic father!

Conversations with Friends

Nov. 5, 2012

Last week a student said to me, "Cikgu, kamu putih, saya hitam, kenapa?" <--Teacher, you are white, I am black, why?  I stumbled over my words and gave a scientifically based answer--it has to do with where we are born in regards to the equator.

I thought about this a lot and asked many people what they thought about it.  My friend, Felessia said she wanted to share a story with me about this idea.  She said that she thought about it a long time ago and said it would be okay for me to share with whomever.  

She said:

"I think about why people are black and white and I always imagined it to be like this:  At first I think all people were one color, black.  I imagined that once Jesus had a bucket of water, and he asked all people to come and clean themselves in the water.  The first people immersed themselves and turned white.  More and more people went into the bucket to clean themselves and the water began to lower.  Finally, the water left was so little, that people only put their hands and feet into the water.  These last people remained black, except for their palms and the bottoms of their feet.  That's how I think God made some people white and some people black."  

I asked her what she thought of her story, and she said, "I guess you should just never be last!"

While I laughed with her when she gave her response, I could help but think that I still felt unsettled about the answer and even the question.  I guess we can never really know why God made us the way that he did, but just have faith and trust that there is a plan for us in the exact form that we are in.  God made us this way for a reason.  

Reflections II

October 20,2012

The reflection this week comes from yours truly. For what it is  are worth: The video that inspired it looks to be Malaysian made. The quote I reference is one that I hold near and dear to my heart; I discovered Clarence Jordan's writing through Habitat for Humanity projects (the founder of Habitat spent time at Jordan's Koinonia Farm in Georgia) and appreciate his earthy wisdom.

LIVE BOLDLY.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JUFjTOM32g&feature=related

The opposite of faith is not doubt. Rather, the opposite of faith is fear. As farmer/scholar Clarence Jordan<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clarence_Jordan> puts it,  “Faith and fear, like light and darkness, are incompatible. Fear is the polio of the soul which prevents our walking by faith.” I stumbled upon Jordan, his book<http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1597521442?ie=UTF8&tag=httpwwwgoodco-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1597521442&SubscriptionId=1MGPYB6YW3HWK55XCGG2>, and this quote a decade ago and they have been with me ever since. When I face big life choices and feel a sense of paralyzing indecision setting in, they remind me to put my next foot forward, to live boldly and to let that which I believe in break the bonds of fear.

What fears hold you captive? In what do you have faith that can set you free?

-peter

http://sunshinefaith.com/live-boldly/

--
Rev. Peter Harrits
YAGM Malaysia Coordinator CountryELCA Global Mission

___________________________________________________________________________________

I have so many fears that make it a struggle to move forward.  I have been thinking a lot about our site visit and what you said about how I feel so uncomfortable walking by myself anywhere.  At first I was really offended by your response, "What assumptions are you making about the people around you that you feel uncomfortable--in specific referring to men cat calling."  But- I have been mulling it over, trying to figure out why it makes me uncomfortable and why your response felt so negative to me.  Then I realized that it's just a part of some baggage that I carry with me from my past.  In high school I was followed home twice from work.  There has never been a more terrifying feeling then getting ready for bed and having your dog outside barking defensively, then looking out the window from the bathroom to see a man's face less than a foot from yours, only separated by a glass window.  I am from a small town so people are always looking out for you, but this increased after this incident. For awhile even the police officers would drive by more frequently when they see my car parked at my home.   I guess that here these things are obviously not so, and so any sense of security is missing. 

This fear allows me to stay in the comfort of my home here, knowing that I will be safe.  As much as I would love to go explore, I guess I realize now that I do like the comfort and security of having someone with me. 
But, when I was in Tenom, Rebecca and I talked about this fear bit a lot too.  I told her that I honestly was debating leaving early (and not attending the youth activity that I was invited to join) just so I could make it home on the coach bus and not have to take a taxi by myself.  I've never taken a taxi along and I was weary of giving directions and being understood, as well as sharing a taxi with other individuals.  Turns out- I shared the backseat of the taxi with a high school English teacher.  This moment gave me a sense of relief and hope that I can really do things on my own and be okay.  But I know that this mindset will easily fade as I continue.  I guess this is where I struggle and need help.  I need to learn how to motivate myself and learn to trust God in these situations. 

Blessings,

Ashley

Reflections I

Every Week our Country Coordinator gives us something to reflect on.  Some weeks I follow the reflection, but some weeks my heart and mind focus on something else that I just need to get out and share with someone.  Below are some reflections and my responses to them.  I encourage you to ask take the time to look at the reflections yourself, so that we might share in this journey together.

October 5, 2012
REFLECTION - THE STUFF OF LIFE

Video: EAT<http://vimeo.com/27243869>    [ http://vimeo.com/27243869 ]

Faith is not simply a head game, not simply a bunch of creeds or statements one agrees or disagrees with. Rather, it is also about the nitty-gritty physical stuff of life - the things that we eat, touch, smell, see, and hear. In my tradition, the Lutheran one, we say<http://www.elca.org/Growing-In-Faith/Worship/Learning-Center/FAQs/Sacraments.aspx> that we learn about and receive God and God’s promises through spoken word, yes, but also through the refreshing feel of clean water, the texture of bread, and the flavor of wine on the tongue. Elsewhere one might notice the sound of the call to prayer echoing from mosques or the scent of incense rising from Buddhist and Hindu temples. Around the world, Sense and Spirit are linked.

Have you ever tasted what you might call the ‘divine’? What have your senses taught you about ‘the other’?

--

Rev. Peter Harrits

YAGM Malaysia Coordinator Country

_____________________________________________________________________

My taste buds are having a hay day, but that's all I can say on that front. 

More constant to my thoughts is God's purpose for my time here.  As I sit through worship and weekly fellowships at congregation members houses (the two I have been two have been in two very different Kampungs) I am only grasping a little of what they say.  Naturally I ask myself why I am even there when I cannot understand.  Then I realize my desire to be in community with other people who are also seeking God's presence in their lives.  Usually during the messege I cannot hold my attention and end up reading and re-reading the bible passages over and over again.  Little did I know, this might be part of God's plan.  You see, I have been intimidated by the Bible for as long as I can remember.  Last week George and I talked about this after dinner one evening.  I tried to explain why I find it intimidating but realize it's a conversation I've never actually had.  Now, here in this place, reading the Bible is the least intimidating part of worship, and it's actually part of the only aspect of worship that I can grasp. 

Tonight at fellowship I thought about how God might be working in this situation to bring me closer to him through his word.  I can't think of any other way that I would so willing and eagerly read the messeges that the Bible is filled with.  Now I am finding that I actually enjoying reading and trying to make sence of what the readings mean.  I chuckle at the thought of having a sly God.  But, I just know that this is helping me to better be in pursuit of God at the center of my life and I am ever so grateful. 


So, that's my biggest "a-ha" moment of my last week. 


Blessings,

Ashley

Who, me?

Walking the streets of Keningau I can't help but hope that I don't stick out more than the average person.  But, who am I kidding? I'm obviously a stranger to this place.

Sunday after church I sat in a restaurant with friends eating my fried noodles with my skilled chopstick maneuvers.  I realized later that I hadn't even taken in the surroundings because I knew people were staring at me, and I just couldn't handle acknowledging it.  I remember thinking, "So this is what it's like to be an outsider".

I've never been one to want unnecessary attention, but I have no choice in it here.  Naturally my mind shifts to what to make of the situation, and then I remember a favorite quote of mine that always seems to be remembered at a moments when I feel a little lost and small in this great big world.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.  

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talent, fabulous? 

Actually, who are you not to be? 

You are a child of God. 

Your playing small does not serve the world. 

There is nothing enlightening in shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. 

We are all meant to shine as children do. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. 

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. 

And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give others the permission to do the same. 

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

Of course I am different, but so is each and every person.  I look forward to conversations, relationships, and reflections that will help me to grow and be more confident in the person that I am and the person that I have been created to be.  I hope that in due time I will not feel like I do not belong, but that I can identify my purpose and go confidently in the direction of that purpose, loving, enjoying, and embracing each person and situation as they are presented.  

September

I can't believe that I have been in Malaysia for going on six weeks now.  Since leaving KK after our two weeks of orientation to the country so much has happened. 

Here are some highlights:

Sept. 10, Monday:

I arrived in Keningau  in the afternoon.  I was dropped off at my new home where I attempted to unpack and learn how to play table tennis from a boy who can, but chooses not to speak English with me.  We went to dinner with a pastor, his son, other teachers, and my Korean host who drove me to Keningau.

Sept. 11, Tuesday:

After two breakfast I was accompanied to my new school.  We have to walk down a path that seems to be made through a wall of tall grasses. Before getting to the school there is a bridge that you must cross.  I tried to mentally prepare myself for this bridge, but alas, nothing could prepare me.  I have a fear of heights and something about swaying bridges where the railing only comes up to your knees and some boards are broken and some boards are moving, just doesn't bring a feeling of peace to me.  I met the teachers once again, which was helpful because the evening before I was in such a daze.

Sept. 13, Thursday:

My housemates, two girls about my ages stayed after dinner and tried to speak with me in English!  It turns out that they know more than they were letting on!..In fact, that seems to be the case with most people I have met.  Most people just don't talk to me until they have to, and then I realize they could have been talking to me all along, but they are just too shy!  

 

Sept. 16, Sunday:

My housemate told me that some teachers wanted to take me to KK with them, so a few hours passed and I was in a car filled with people on my way to KK!  The teachers that I work with are really fun and wonderful.  Their families are kind and inviting.  In KK we went to the Filipino market and to a huge mall called One Borneo, in which we played a fun game of bowling!  It was so refreshing to feel like I had finally made friends!  

On the way home we stopped in my friends kampung (village) and I met even more of their family!  Before I left they informed me that the YAGM before me looked like Jesus (he had a beard and dreadlocks)..then they went on to say that "They sent Jesus back to the USA and sent us Mary".

Sept. 18, Tuesday:

I started teaching today!  Not even my education background could prepare me for this!  After only being here 3 weeks or so, my Bahasa Malayu is mediocre at best.  I'm not sure how much my students understand, and I don't know how to get or keep their attention with the language barrier.  Teaching will by far by my greatest challenge.

Sept. 19, Wednesday:

Today I was told that I will be dancing and that I would be picked up sometime in the evening.  That is all.  I almost never know what is going on!  Turns out I was picked up, and learned three lyrical dances for worship.  They were planning on dancing in Sunday's worship, so I would have practice every evening this week.

Sept. 20, Thursday:

Today after school I was told to go to the market with the other teachers.  Next thing I know I am standing in a fabric store and the next moment getting measured for outfits for Sunday's worship.  Silky purple outfits.  Dance rehearsals are actually really fun, even thought I don't understand the conversation or directions.  Luckily, learning dance moves is very visual.  

I was also able to spend some time with some high school students in the congregation and they were really fun!  Almost ever night they would bring a new snack and make me try it.  Only once did I have to hurriedly ask for some water (who knew mangos with soy sauce and chili's could make someone want to cry?)

Sept. 22, Saturday:

The church was packed full for 3 hours as a Christian Country Music band from Indonesia performed singing in Bahasa Malayu.  Most of my fellow teachers also performed sharing traditional dances of the indigenous people of Malaysia.   

Sept. 23, Sunday:

We arrived early to dress in our outfits and join the Country music group and other church and worship leaders for quick snack.  We began the worship dancing with the opening four songs.  Only one song was amiss, as the musicians played faster than we had practiced.  Never the less, it felt good to be out of the spot light, change out of sweaty clothes, and join the rest of the people in the congregation.  After a three hour service, we headed home.  I wish I would have kept my outfit on long enough to take a group picture, but it seems that a few of us wanted nothing more than to be out of it!

Sept. 28, Friday:

I accepted a ride to KK after school today to go and meet a bunch of YAGM's who were gathering in KK to celebrate the Chinese tradition of moon cake.  It was nice to gather with friends that feel like family in my home away from home.  We caught up, shared joys and struggles, and tried some moon cake and Chinese lanterns (only one person lit their's on fire).

I also have been finding myself facing many fears.

<> I no longer fear the bridge.  I have since walked on it with an abundance of people going in both directions (though it's hardly wide enough for that), with students jumping on it, and last night I even walked on it in the dark with only the light from someones cell phone guiding the way. 

<> I also never ask what it is I am eating, I just eat it.  Though, I am not sure I will ever shake my distaste for onion, but if I did, I feel like this would be the year to do it.  

<>This may sound very irrational, but I have a ridiculous fear of pregnancy, and I now live with a pregnant woman who has insane morning sickness.  I can't imagine what this may mean for me in my future, but I imagine my family back at home with wicked grins on their faces.  There's no way I can avoid my fear of pregnancy here.

I always wondered what it would be like to have a little sister...now I know.

<>My beautiful Malaysia sister likes to stick her fingers in my ears when I don't get her the attention she craves.

<> She likes to set back my clock a few hours, which I don't realize until the seemingly late hours of the night.

<>One of these times she just may succeed in throwing my watch out the window.

<> She has endless energy and wont let me stop spinning her in circles

<>After all of the spinning I like to pretend that I'm dead, and she tries to save me by pulling my hair until I am in an upright position.  From here she props me up with her back until I fall over to the side, and then we repeat.

The month of September has rushed past.  I almost never know what each day will bring.  Most of that has to do with the language barrier, but every day I am learning more and more.  Flexibility is something that I may just master in the next year!  

Predictions

Tomorrow I leave KK, the group of fellow Malaysia YAGMs, my country coordinator, and the stability that has since been acquired since leaving the United States.  I've been working on having no expectations for the upcoming year, but as I have been here and have been adjusting, I started making some predictions.  I don't know if predictions qualify as expectations-- but never the less.

Predictions:

• That my students will teach me more than I can teach them
• That I will somehow learn to like spicy food
• That "service" will take on a whole knew meaning
• I could get fantastic at hand-washing clothes (I'm super slow now)
• Living in community will be a highlight of my year
• I will try things I would never try at home (food and more)
• Malay will become second nature (my language skills are still minimal)
• Grace and Love will take on many forms and faces
• I will learn and grow in what it means to be me

Thus far I have felt so incredibly blessed to be in this place.  I have a peace and calm in heart that makes it feel like this is exactly where I am supposed to be.

Thank you so much for joining me on this journey.  I couldn't be more happy to share it with such loving family and friends!